The town of Viersel in Belgium is a clean and pretty place, every house has a novelty letterbox , the people are friendly and the dogs don’t bite or chase cars. It is also the main production centre for all of the Dull used in the E.U. countries. Viersel’s main feature of interest is the Albert canal named in honour of a Belgian called Albert. This straight, grey waterway is a vital artery used by huge barges to transport thousands of tons of Dull a day from Viersel to the E.U. headquarters in Brussels where it is mixed with an equal amount of Bullshit and poured into suits to produce Eurocrats.
But this weekend Viersel will be different, Viersel is going to be KICKING !!! Really, I’m telling you, and the Albert Canal is going to be the place where it’s at. I know `cos Robbie Llewellyn tells me so. Robbie is an aficionado par excellence of Water Ski Racing. A former ski racer himself he now spends most of his time publishing a Web Zine about the sport which lists latest race results & reports, developments and discussions on the noble art. He is also engaged in a personal crusade to raise the sports profile, oh, and he is proving to be a bit of a thorn in the side of the crusty, blazer-wearing old duffers who make up the governing body, The Region EAME (Europe ,Africa, Middle East) of International Water Ski Federation.
At the end of Watersports Laan (kinky?) past a bar called De Scheepvart (translations on a postcard please) we emerge onto the banks of the Albert Canal. Stretching along the bank in either direction, preparations for the 14th annual Diamond Race are underway. Teams from eight countries have gathered here to do battle and the place is teaming with 4 x 4’s towing power boats on trailers. A linear village of camper vans and recreational vehicles snakes off into the distance and women, kid cyclists and dogs mill around in every direction. Clustered around a bridge a dozen or so power boats are receiving the sort of lavish care and attention normally reserved for supermodels or Crufts entrants. Crews are busy polishing hulls and tuning the massive engines, intently engaged in all manner of technical shit that I don’t even begin to understand. Several men I see are cuddling vicious looking propellers like fathers holding their first born baby (apparently like babies they are very expensive and need a lot of looking after). More boats are roaring up and down on the water and a crane is busily shuttling boats between the canal and their trailers like a big boys version of a fairground hooking ducks stall.
We’re looking for a boat called No Mercy and its skier, Darren Kirkland who’s a bit of a star in this game. When we find it, the owner & driver, Robbie Wright, is squatting on the side of the hull watching the team observer Martin Brooks writhe around on the floor of the boat groping under a huge chrome plated inboard engine. Several other power boat sorts are leaning over the stern offering advice and itching to get their hands on Martins socket spanners. My powers of deduction tell me that No Mercy is having technical problems. Darren’s nowhere to be seen so after a quick introduction to Robbie & Martin I leave them to their labours.
I meet up with Darren later in De Scheepvart for a beer and the lowdown. Darren , a 30 year old builder from Warlingham in Surrey is the Number 1 Water Ski Racer in Europe & rated No.3 in the world. To get to his present position has taken time and dedication and he’s certainly paid his dues along the way.
“ I started ski racing when I was nine. My dad and a few of his mates had a little boat they kept at a caravan site at Seasalter in Kent. It only had a 45 H.P.engine and I was the only one light enough for it to pull.†The boy obviously had talent and from this humble start he rose through the ranks and classes of water ski racing winning the British Championship at every class he skied in along the way. He has been competing in Formula One since 1986 and has been with his present team since `95.
Ski Racing is a physically demanding sport and Darren follows a rigorous training regime that includes cycling, high impact aerobics, boxing and hours in the gym.
But for skiers the financial rewards are virtually non -existent. The Diamond Race is sponsored by De Beers and the winning teams are presented with a sparkler for their efforts, but most races have no cash prizes at all. “ For me the reward is in excelling at something†says Darren, “ It’s the personal satisfaction you get from knowing you’re the best.†But even the acclaim is limited. In America, Australia and on the continent, ski racing attracts big crowds, but in Britain the stars of the sport are virtual unknowns. “ Everyone here this weekend knows who I am and there’ll be people cheering me on hoping that I retain my title, but even if I win, Monday morning I’ll be back on the site and I’ll just be one of a million other blokes working in the building game.†Darren doesn’t drink and is hitting the sack early, tomorrow is race day and though confident he wants to be on form. “Is the boat fixed ?†I ask. “ Yeah it was a bolt or something that went .†Darren’s technical knowledge of boats exceeds mine but not by much, but then it’s not his problem.
Sunday. Having watched the Women’s, Junior and Formulas 3 and 2 races I’ve picked up a basic idea of how Ski racing works and at last it’s time for the big race. It’s time for the Formula 1 men’s and the boats line up in a grid on the canal. Darren being the reigning champion means No Mercy has a position in the front rank. Two flags are raised and the teams have four and a half minutes during which the observer helps the skier to fit and bind on the ski while the driver gets the boat into the right position on the grid. Another driver watching commented†When the first flag drops the Bullshit stops.â€
The first flag drops thirty second before the race starts and the skiers go into the water and get in the starting position while the boat takes up the slack of the ski line. The second flag drops and they’re off.
As the massive engines are opened up smoke and noise fill the air and the boats rear up like frightened horses then shoot forward down the 3 km course. The crowds lining the banks are treated to a drenching from the wake and spray as the teams hurtle pass often just feet away at speeds up to a hundred miles an hour. The teams jockey for position making tight turns round a marker buoy at each end of the course. The race will last for 50 minutes and one lap.
I watch the first few laps precariously perched on the bank just a few metres from the hazards of the VIP complimentary bar. Darren and the No Mercy team appeared to be doing fine so I implemented “Trotter’s Law†to commandeer the cherry picker crane hired by a TV crew to get a better view point . Swinging gently in the cradle above the water I watched as boat after boat whizzed pass below me waiting for the No Mercy team to make another pass, but no show. Something was obviously wrong and I scanned the course to find them, but amongst the spray and fast moving boats it was impossible to pick them out in the distance. A few minutes later their fate became clear when they came into view , being towed at a sedate rate of knots by a rescue boat as other teams hurtled past them. Even at a distance the disappointment on their faces was all too visible. Bloody engine problems!
With the team out of the running, I was left with no choice but to watch out the race which was eventually won by a boat called Foxy and Carlo Cassa from Italy, a popular Ski Racer who was seriously injured last year in England when his ski snapped at 80 miles per hour.
With boats costing about £100,000 a time and the high running costs it’s not really surprising that Water Ski Racing us still a minority sport to participate in. Most of the boat owners I met were millionaire self made men sorts, ( though the guys getting dragged around on the end of the rope were usually skint ). More surprising is the fact that it has yet to attract the interest of TV. Sexy boats, big engines, colour ,noise, action. It’s got it all. Jeremy Clarkson would be creaming his corduroys over it. Formula One Grand Prix gets hours of air time and has thousands of followers. Alright , I know that most people watch Grand Prix racing in the hope that there’s going to be a few spectacular smashes but Ski racing is a risky business, injuries are not uncommon and there have been a number of fatalities, so it too can boast enough Vulture Value to satisfy a Tibetan Sky funeral.
Before I close I’d like to insult one last authority figure. Despite having several British world class ski racers there still isn’t a major Water Ski Race in Britain. There was an attempt to organise one on the Thames from Tower Bridge down through the Thames Barrier to Dartford Bridge. But the Port of London Authority said it was too fast and would interfere with traffic, plus a few other tossy excuses too lame to mention. What a bunch of w#nkers. So despite holding several world titles, Britain remains the only competing country not to stage a Classic Race.
My suggestion – hold an unofficial one at the same time, place and date as the Oxford & Cambridge yearly ponce-about. Now that WOULD draw a crowd.
By reporter Gary Trotter
